Volume 1 #1 (Corrected)

You are now all members of the fan club dedicated to me...Yay!

Hello all,

Some of you are aware of the weekly (sometimes daily) rant of B.S. I usually send to every one of you once in a while. Well, I have finally decided to put my efforts together and send you all a rant at the same time, combined with other things I find that I think are cool. Oh, by the way, today's episode also features my Christmas list at the bottom so take note of that.

Moving on, for those of you that don't know (and all of you better know, cause I consider you all my good friends), my name is Matt Campbell. I was born the Duke of Earl, but despite some complications with me moving to this country I had to change my name, but like a wise man once said, "Hey peter check out channel 9. Its breast exams!" (A cookie for anyone who can guess where I got that quote from, or any of the other quotes I will be using). Anyway, as I made my way through your pathetic, American schools, I learned one of many things. I can't think of any of those things that I learned at this moment, but like another wise man said, "Gods got security." (If you guess this one I will be your slave for a day. That is how sure I am no one will figure this one out. *Hint.* It's a song lyric). Well, enough about me. Now for a segment some of you have read before, but I love to repeat. It's from a website called "something awful." The segment is called "everything I needed to know in life I learned from first person shoot-em up video games from the 80's."

Here it goes:

What I learned from war games:

Shooting a knife thrown at you is significantly more difficult than shooting a missile launched at you.

Stealth is impossible; everyone knows where you are and is out to get you.

People who carry large weapons are twice as difficult to kill as people armed with more standard firearms.

If a truck/van/helicopter crosses your path the side door IS going to open and the people inside ARE going to shoot at you.

Chickens and trees can be gently coaxed into giving birth to additional ammunition by firing at them.

My parents fight.

What I learned from police simulators

Human instinct will cause all unarmed civilians in the vicinity of a gunfight to rise suddenly to their feet at random intervals while shouting "NO!"

Accidentally murdering an unarmed person will cause you to lose roughly a third of your lifespan.

All terrorists and criminals carefully plan where they are going to stand in any room. They will rise from the same spot repeatedly and often have a backup who will take their place if they are killed or injured.

Every vehicle known to man has a vulnerable point that is conveniently indicated by a flashing red light. Often this point will only be accessible while the vehicle is launching a series of missiles at you.

You can pick objects up by shooting them, be sure to shoot every object in every room you enter, as you never know where a better gun might be stored.

The other kids at school say I smell like pickles.

Well that is all for this edition.

Today's main quote is:

"When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: "Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over."

Song of the day is:

Cooler then Jesus - The Thrill Kill Cult

Person of the Day:

Me

Date: November 27, 2001

Drink of the day: Pina Colada. The reason I chose this is cause I am in a sweet fruity mood.

Website for all to check out: www.somethingawful.com

Oh yeah, and here is the Christmas list:

*Matt's Christmas List of the Stars*

DVD's:

Akira (2 DVD box set)
Neo Genesis Evangelion (any)
Pearl Harbor
The Sopranos (any)
Memento
Final Fantasy the spirits within
The Big Lebowski
Video games For PlayStation:
Xeno Gears
Final Fantasy IX
Resident Evil 2

Books:

breaking free, Nathaniel Branden
how to think about weird things, Theodore Schick, Jr., and Lewis Vaughn
how I found freedom in an unfree world, Harry Browne
Sophie's world, Jostein Gaarder
Anthem, Ayn rand
The Fountainhead, Ayn rand
Philosophy - Who Needs It, Ayn rand
Atlas Shrugged, Ayn rand

*END OF LIST*

Well I hope you all enjoyed todays issue of homo fags and their huge...um, I mean this cool thing I created...yeah (shit. There goes my cover). I know what your saying. "Damn Matt is one handsome man with way to damn much time on his hands." You are correct, but hey, what can I say? Well, give me feed back. Write me. I am ever so lonely, here at work, doing absolutely nothing. Oh yeah, I need a name for this thing. So send me suggestions. If you don't want me to write you any more of these then send me an email stating why and I will then spam you to death, and not with email spam but real spam. That's what the English eat.

Thank you all very much,

Matt Campbell

Writer, editor, creator, ham sandwich. (I'll think of a name later) email magazine thingy.

P.S. If any of this makes no sense to you what-so-ever, then I must ask you to go outside, de-robe yourself and masterbate while singing ,"I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner." After you do that then this email will be the least of your worries. I promise. Now start shopping for my gifts, by the way, send my your Christmas lists as well.