The Ham Sandwich 2000
"Guys never really get over their toys"
~Michael Keaton
The Ham Sandwich Volume 4 #4 (September 26, 2022)
Letter From The Writer, Creator, Ham Sandwich
It's back to a less serious, more pointless topic, this time on toys of the 80s. Specifically, G.I. Joe's and Transformers. I know what you're thinking, "Ham you did an article on Drug Themed Music Videos, an article on Serial Killers, and now an article on toys of the 80s. Would you pick a theme and stick to it?" To which I respond with a resounding, "no." I will write and make pages about what I feel as this is my site and I have no idea if anyone is reading it anyway, so if I'm just sending my thoughts into oblivion, I might as well do as I wish.
Voice 1: "Do you really think you should alienate the only readers you have left or ever really had?"
Voice 2: "He just said he doesn't have any readers, so who are you referring to?"
Voice 3: "Would you guys shut up? I'm trying to sleep here."
Voice 4: "Did anybody order a pizza?"
Anyway, as a young Ham growing up in the 1980s I had friends and we played with all manners of toys and games. We would occasionally go outside and play a sport but most of the time we were playing with our toys (until video games came along). In the 80s there was a large variety of entertainment to choose from and the Saturday morning shows were essentially large toy advertisements to get kids to beg their parents to buy them those toys. Transformers, G.I. Joe's, He-Man as well as a large variety of other characters and vehicles were all the rage in those days.
So sit back and relax to the nostalgia of your (or someone else's) childhood.
~The Writer, Editor, Ham Sandwich
Transformers, G.I. Joe's, He-Man, ThunderCats, oh my.
In the 80s it was all about toys to us kids. Whoever had the coolest toys was the place all the other kids wanted to hang out. This was before video games and iPhones or any of that stuff. This was a time when TV shows and Movies were made around toys and not the other way around. It was a time when MTV showed music videos, not just pregnant teenage girls. Now before you start getting too turned on and switch to incognito mode on your browser to go masturbate to the aforementioned pregnant teenage girls I suggest you read the rest of this amazingly nostalgic material that has no relevance to anything whatsoever. So here are, in no particular order, some of the Saturday morning cartoons that I was most fond of. So 80s toy cartoons here we come.
Transformers
The Transformers began in 1980 with the Japanese toy lines Micro Change and Diaclone. Many of these toys became the Transformer toy lines in the United States. Marvel comics developed the storyline of the transformers in 1984. The Transformers TV series premiered in 1985. This was slightly less gay than playing with G.I. Joe dolls as these dolls were robots and therefore had no sex, though there came a few episodes that implied that there were female transformers, which made things ever so more confusing to people who wondered how robots would have sex or why they would need to do such things since they would logically build and not born from any type of reproductive cycle.
G.I. Joe
Originally developed in 1963, the G.I. Joe figures were more like dolls than the action figures they became in the 80s. These technically were action figures and not dolls, so boys playing with them may or may not have been gay. Not that being or not being gay matters that much to me as I am a Ham Sandwich and therefore am a-sexual. I reproduce much like a robot as I am made or some would say built.
The original show opening sang, "cobra the enemy" just like it said on the toy's backboards.
He-Man & The Masters of the Universe
Making its television debut in 1983, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was a rather interesting story of a man and his sword that gave him great powers whenever he held it above his head and said the word, "I have the power!"
Boys all over America were shown that it is alright to play with their swords and wear just their underwear around the house despite what their mother told them.
Still not gay.
She-Ra
As the twin sister of He-Man She-Ra let a woman play with her sword and boy did I want to play with her sword? What? That doesn't make me gay. Fuck you.
She-Ra was responsible for many a young boy's first boners. That long flowing hair. Those beautiful legs. Those tight buttocks. Ok, so maybe they didn't focus too much on her buttocks, but I sure did. Shut up! I said that does not make me gay! Damn it!
Thundercats
Cat-like humanoid aliens. That's what the ThunderCats were...are...I guess that depends on your point of view. Everything from the past seems to be rehashed and remade into a newer version of old stories. There was a new series of ThunderCats in 2011 and in 2020. Both premiered on the cartoon network.
On a special note, the first episode featured scenes where Cheetarah looked somewhat naked, but since she had no nipples, it didn't count, though you could see the supple form of her breasts. Excuse me...I need to return some video tapes.
M.A.S.K.
M.A.S.K. stood for Mobile Armored Strike Kommand. That's right, command with a "K". This show was somewhat like transformers in that the vehicles transformed into other vehicles and not robots. These toys were kind of cool as many of them fired projectiles like missiles or discs. Many of these would get lodged in a sibling, or pet's, eye socket blinding them for life. Good times.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
With one of the catchiest theme songs to ever enter a child's ear, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles became quite the popular show and toy hit. Parents would curse the day they allowed their children to buy such toys as some sets came with the popular toxic ooze or slime which polluted everything it came into contact with.
This song was written by Big Bang Theory creator Chuck Lorre with Dennis Challen Brown. A pretty neat little tidbit of knowledge for you. What? I found it interesting. Fine then, if you could care less, I'll just sit over here.
Voltron
Giant robotic transforming lions that merge into an even larger robot with a freakin' cool sword. Voltron the defender of the universe was my first introduction to anime before it was even called anime. Of course, this lacked much of the tentacle rape that most anime became famous for, it still had giant robots battling giant space monsters.
You might find the voice in this open familiar as it is the same voice as Optimus Prime.
Robotix
Robotix aired around the same year as Transformers but was on the Sunday animated block instead of Saturday. It probably wasn't quite as popular because of the diluted storyline of the Protectons and Terrakors who transferred their essence into robots and then somehow became more powerful by adding organic people to make themselves stronger. I don't know. If you asked me to transfer my body into a metal organism, I don't think adding an organic part would make me any more powerful, but that's Robotix for you...I guess.
"Who put the future in your hand? Robotix."
G.I. Joes P.S.A.s
Creating spoofs of 80s cartoons seems like a common thing these days, but in 2003 a man named Eric Fensler started dubbing the G.I. Joe PSAs with hilarious results. PSAs about porkchop sandwiches and body massages started gaining popularity until a cease and desist from Hasbro stopped the distribution of the videos through sites like eBaum's World and Eric's personal website among others, but the damage was done and a website called YouTube came online and pirated versions of the PSAs made their way back onto the web and the PSAs found the audience they had before and grew some more.
If you have never seen the G.I. Joe mock PSAs then here they are in all their glory.
Conclusion
So another issue of guys and dolls is concluded and no one who wasn't already gay has turned gay from reading it...I think. When you think about it there was a generation of fathers who thought that if their sons played with dolls or action figures as we called them, thought they would somehow be influenced to become homosexual. I doubt this happened just by the sheer amount of males that would now be gay if all it took was to play with a few dolls, action figures, whatever. If anything turned them gay it was the molestation by their local church preacher or priest.
Speaking of which, have we ever wondered why there were, are, so many pedophile priests in the church and why so few see any punishment for them molesting young children? Are these priests just wanting to have gay sex with a male god and they feel that the closest they could ever get is a young boy's butt hole? If a nun is a woman that only wants to love god, is a male version of that a nun-boy? Is the pope gay for god? Is that why he's called the pope? Maybe the name was a misinterpretation of the word poop and he just wanted to stick it into god's poop hole. Is that the reason for the weird hat? There is something definitely phallic about that hat. Some things that reflect the need to show the world his hat size. Like guys who drive a large truck to make up for their small penises, the pope has a large hat to make up for something as well.
Anyway, stay tuned for more thought-provoking articles from the Ham Sandwich.
So as I write this conclusion that will never be read by people who are not really there. I ponder to myself, what am I really doing?
Voice 1: "Stop saying that"
Voice 2: "To whom is he speaking?"
Voice 3: "That will be $20 for the pizza."
Voice 4: "I don't have any money, is there some other way I could pay you?" (Porno music starts up).
~The Writer, Editor, selling his body for a pizza, Ham Sandwich
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