Issue #2

Emailizine thingy #2!! (I NEED FEED BACK AGGGHHH!!!)

I am not doing drugs. I am hi on life…. yeah right and there is a Chiquita banana sticking out of my ass. HHAHAHHAHAHha..haha…wait..what the hell? What's that doing there?

Letter From The Editor, Creator, Writer, Ham Sandwich

Thank you to all you that wrote back about the last issue of this emailizine thingy. All two of you that is. Please I NEED FEED BACK!! Write back. Tell me what you think. Moving on this emailizine thingy still doesn’t have a name and it needs one. So send in you suggestion, the winner with the name I choose to use will get something special that I haven't thought of yet. Anyway this issue should be just as cool if not cooler then the last one. Some more structuring is going on. I have made the "guess the quote" section a regularity with prizes for the winners. I am also thinking of a format to make for this thing, and once again I am open to suggestions. I am not really sure what this thing will become but hopefully it will become something so enjoy it while you are the only audience it has cause maybe this will become something millions of people real, and I will be worshipped like a G.O.D. for something other then my incredible performances in bed. Well enjoy this week's installment and…please…write back with comments.

Quotes and Prizes!!!! Yeah that's great dad…. Shut up son…POW!!!!

The winner of last week's Quote contest for the prize of a cookie was Tina Prescott from Denver, CO. The Quote was "hey peter check out channel 9 its breast exams!" and it came from the movie Office Space. Tina will receive a cookie the next time I see her cause every time I mail cookies the damn mailmen eat the cookie and replace it with anthrax for some god-awful reason.

No one correctly guessed the quote "Gods got security". This quote in fact came from the song "Cradle" by Skinny Puppy. The winner would have received a Slave Matt for the day.

This weeks prizes are a "cheeseburger" and once again a "Slave Matt for the Day" cause that has yet to be won.

For the Cheeseburger:

"You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much."

Name who said it, where it came from and if you can give me the entire quote from beginning to end I will buy you a happy meal complete with toy!!!

For the Matt Slave for a Day:

"I am the rocker, I am the roller, I am the out-of-controller!"

Who said it and where did it come from.

I am looking for ward to your responses.

The Main Article for this Issue

THE RELATIONSHIP!! SIR WE HIT AND ICE BURG WERE GOING DOWN!!! SAILOR STOP SUCKING ON THAT SEAMEN!!!

Relationships are a pain in the ass these days. They're expensive, time consuming, and god knows what's going to become of them. Hell the average date will cost about $30 if you’re a real cheapskate, and at the end of the night you usually get "You’re a really nice person but…" kind of lines. These lines are of course bullshit to disguise the fact that they wanted to ditch you at the theater checkout counter while you were getting popcorn but couldn't leave cause you drive. I know cause I have done this before. (Man was she pissed. Fortunately she didn’t know my real name or number). Anyway why did meeting people that match get so hard? Back in the stone ages and man would wander up to a female he deemed "Fuckable" and club her on the head and have his way with her. Then he would simply leave her and that was the average cave man relationship. I tried this once and I found out a couple things interesting. One: A decent club is hard to find these days. None of the ones I managed to get looked anything remotely like they did on the cartoon. Two: It takes much more then one foul swoop to the noggin to render a girl unconscious. Three: If you don’t manage to knocker her out you better be really fast. Four: "No ablo engles." Does not hold up in court unless you know more Spanish. Moving on, after many months in a psych ward and patrol, I decided to ditch the cave man approach. I then turned to the next era of human civilization that I had a video on. The dark ages. A time were men work armor and women wore thin laced see through dresses that emphasized their breast and got wet at the most inappropriate time. It is so hard to hide a boner from people while watching these movies. That reminds me it is so hard to hide a boner from your girlfriend while she is trying to have sex with you. I mean you're all hard and she's all horny and you just don’t want anyone to notice that your girlfriend arouses you. I mean what type of boyfriend gets aroused buy his girlfriend? He can get aroused buy other girls then picture them while having sex with his girlfriend but common his girlfriend? Who does that anymore? Any women offended by this article can have sex with me to prove me wrong. Hell I'll even allow you to scream you boyfriends name, he he that is if you can scream through a gage…um he he where was I oh yeah the dark ages. The time was simple for relationships. There were about 50 billion men and 4 women in the whole damn world, oh yeah and there was a dragon. The plan was simple. Kill the dragon get laid. Don't kill the dragon…well if you didn’t kill the dragon then the dragon killed you and your worries were over anyway. Then we come to the 20^th century cause I have a limited video collection here. The 1950's!!! "A large number of people hail the mid 1950's as the "glory days" of the United States, a time when the populace was only concerned with trivial things such as what flavor ice cream to choose at the local malt shop, who to ask to the high school prom, how to repress those bothersome Negroes, and ways to shield your eyes when an atom bomb fell on your head." So there we were in the happy trouble repressing 50's and everyone was almost instantly matched up. You simply walked up to each other and said "hey." That’s it. You didn’t even need to tell each other your name. That would come at the wedding. The only real problem was that women would never put out till the wedding night and even asking for sex would for you to go directly to hell with out passing GO or collecting $200, but hey you had someone. Then the reast of the century right up till the 90's was full of drugs, and uninhibited sex. The introduction "hey." Was even eliminated for simply "h—(sexual noises here)." That pretty much leads me up to the present. This is time of solitude and bitterness. Everyone is so defensive that unless your body was set through a model processing plant and took 30 years of dance classes, were between the age of 18.2 and 19.1, happen to be of Jewish, native American, Arabic, and weeble decent then you SOL when it comes to finding a date. Hell if you were able to find a date you need to worry about diseases, children and what's on TV. So what do I suggest? Well since I want people to read this thing I won't tell you till next week when I fell like writing it. HAHAHAHA! I can't wait till the future were sex will be banished along with all interesting colors and individual thought. Wait a minute, fuck I hate the future worse then I hate this period. Damn it all.

Song of the Day: Hang Myself From The Tree, buy the Vandles. This is probably the most depressing song I have ever heard in my life. If your life sucks compar it to the life of the guy in the song. You might feel better. That is if the song doesn't make you worse. Opening lyrics: "This season is a curse, I know nothing worse, then being depressed and told to be happy. A season of suicide, I know why they died. Christmas reminds me I have nothing."

Person of the Day: Tina Prescott. For guessing the quote correctly. Josh Galicinoe was a close second for being the only other person to write referring to this.

Date: December 4, 2001, tis was a twooosday

Drink of the day: Something that makes me vomit. WHY? Cause I gotta!!

Website for all to check out: www.imdb.com

Well if you read this far, then I ask you to take the next step and FREAKIN REPLY!!! Common I need your support to write these. Hell just to let me know that someone reads em. That is all.

Hey Mr. Winky what is that in your mouth? AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Thank you,

Matthew Campbell

Writer, Editor, Ham sandwich