Matt's Ham Sandwich the Mag of Emails VOLUME 1, ISSUE 3
Finally some closure
Letter From the Editor, Writer, Ham Sandwich!!! Hazzaa!! We have praise and a critic!!

Thank you all for responding and giving me insight to this letter dealie. Your critiques are very helpful in creating some form of format for this thing. We (I have no idea why I use we when it is only me writing this) have good news this week. WE HAVE A CRITIC!!! Adam Crook, from Colorado, wrote us and expressed his opinion on the article. Here are a few excerpts, complete with responses.

"-It's really hard to read something that long that has so many grammatical errors-"

It is long and it is pointless, but its pointlessness is kind of the point, by the way I will get to the "grammatical errors" part in a second. Anyway read this for your entertainment as much as you want or as little. I am messing with formats so maybe one day you will pick the sections you read much like some do with a newspaper.

"-I think you need to hire a new editor or read a book or something to learn how to spell and put together coherent sentences-"

Incoherent? Grammatical errors? Spelling Error? Once I heard this I immediately picked up the last issue and read through it. I was so amazed and turned on buy my own brilliance that I had to go to my room for "Mattie" time. Once finished I immerged fresh as a summers eve and half as horny. Then I realized that I didn't read the last issue at all but had been reading "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test" By Tom Wolf. No wonder I was so turned on. Anyway I moseyed on over to the computer, falling only twice, and read the last issue, for the first time. I thought my job as an editor was simply to write these cool spiels at the beginning of the emailazine itself, but I guess there is more to it then that. Anyway I was shocked and horrified. I couldn't understand a damn thing written. So I grabbed my writer. Put him in a burlap sack and beat him with raids. I then grabbed the ham sandwich and ate it. So thank you Adam for your letter and I assure you all that the grammatical errors, coherent ness, and spelling will be kept to a minimum. Anyway we also got some words of praise from our readers.

"I don't think I've ever felt like inducing bodily harm after an article about relationships until now. I like it!! – Mariah Secrest, Colorado

"Your article was quite interesting...at least what I could read of it =P" Adam Crook, Colorado

"This is a summons from the State of Michigan. You are to appear in court on..." That one is from the state of Michigan I am pretty sure.

"I don't know what kind of drugs they are giving you up there." Tina Prescott

"I can't fucking sleep because of my selfish fucking butt faced boyfriend. ERRRRR" TK Bostic, Colorado

"I thank you for providing the absolutely necessary distraction." Josh Galicinao

So not all responses were negative. Anyway as we work toward a more organized, and grammatically correct emailizine, we add and take away. This week we added a new section called, "This is your fucking life: sick and cynical excerpts by Penelope Steel-Street." I had some of my writers read this article and after 12 of then shot themselves or locked themselves in the employee bathroom never to come out, well I got a little concerned. After much thought, I decided to print the letter in its entirety anyway. I just hope I have readers left after this issue. Well anyway hope you enjoy the longest email you will probably receive from someone you know this year.

~Writer, editor, Ham sandwich, Matt Campbell

Quotes Section, or "You got fucked by and oven full of witches?"

Winners of cheeseburger: Charlet Galicinao, Monument, CO

Winner of a cheeseburger but would rather have chicken wings: Josh Galicianao from Seattle, Washington

"You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much." ~Robbin Williams, Good will hunting

If any one of you lazy slackers had bothered to look up the movie and write down the whole quote you would have got a happy meal.

The other quote for matt slave for a day was

"I am the rocker, I am the roller, I am the out-of-controller!" ~The Nightrider, Mad Max

Winner of candy and a muffin: Me from Detroit, Michigan, for guessing the following quotes:

"I live in fucking Hell." ~me, or Gwen.

"Will you do the fandango? Thunderbolts and lightening, very, very frightening me!" ~Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody, or Everyone in Garths Car in Wayne's World the movie.

So the slave Matt for the day is still up for grabs. So this weeks prizes are, one slave Matt and a small box of popcorn from the movie theater.

For the Small box of popcorn:

"Here's to us poor schmoes, working for the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy female man."

For the slave Matt for a day:

"You better take care of me, Lord. If you don't you're gonna have me on your hands."

Same rules apply for both quotes. Name who said it, and where it came from.

How to meet Girls (this section is for the guys and maybe a few lesbians)

While researching this subject I actually thought of taking it seriously, but then I realized that my advice usually causes more harm then help so I will write this half assed and crazy like I do everything else, but hey that doesn’t mean my advice isn't useful. (WARNING: Advice in this column is not just useless, but it may cause you to lose your job, friends, any jobs, career, family and credit. Not to be taken with alcohol and consume on a full stomach.)

Also what do I know about getting a girls since I am single and haven’t been laid in nearly a year. Anyway everyone knows the first step to meeting women is finding women. First to know where women go we must know where they come from. Since the critically acclaimed book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," suggests that women are from Venus. I haven't read the book but I am sure the cover tells me enough. Women are from Venus. I believe they come from Venus cause it rhymes with penis. Thus proves a theory of mine. All women need a good penis. " All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'." Anyway since we can't go to Venus, thanks to the government mandate 'No men can venture to the planet Venus' we must now travel to alternative places to seek women. Such places as dance clubs, work environments, female restrooms, penitentiaries, and your local high school would seem like ideal areas to choose for available women. Unfortunately there is no way to tell how available a woman is. Our inventions of single detection are years from completions and therefore we must use the test method. The test method is simple, plus it will tell you a few things that you should know about the women you hope to stick your wiener into. This method will tell you: A) whether she has a boy friend, B) If she likes you, and C) If she is going to press charges. Here is how you do the test method. Find a women who is standing some where, no where specific, walk up to her and grab her ass while pulling her face to your and kissing her. If you see her again, and are not beat up or arrested then it is time to ask for her number. Now go my minions and get a woman, or a lengthy wrap sheet. (Next week: When to call her.)

How to meet the guys (this section is for the women and maybe a few fags)

Girls you have it easy. Guys will have sex with anything as long as it is moist. Hell we don't even care it is willing. It just has to be moist. So here is what you need to do to meet a guy. Walk up to him grab his crotch and point to the vicinity you would like to have sex. Then you can spread you legs and pretend like you enjoy it, YOU FAKERS!! If all women did this there would be no wars. Now since you have given the guy sex he might actually tell you something real about himself, rather then try and impress you to get you into bed. Chances are he is telling you the truth to scare you away so he may find another girl to impregnate. (Next week: How to get a guy to open up…HIS FEELINGS YOU SICK PEOPLE!!)

This is your fucking life: sick and cynical excerpts by Penelope Steel-Street

Despite the thinking of every American that we are a free, loving people, and that it is our morals and beliefs that the world should set their standard by, there seems to be a lot of really fucked up individuals out there. I know I am.

As children, we were raised to believe that life would be simple; we would grow, learn, attend the 4-year university, get a job, get married, have children, retire, and die. It was all supposed to be that easy. No questions, no arguments, that’s just the way our parents brought us up to think that it was how it’s done.

Well shit; if it’s that easy, then why are there so many people wandering around this world trying so hard to figure out what the hell they’re going to do with the rest of their lives. “If we based our ideas of God on our fathers, and our fathers bailed on us, what does that tell you about God?” I want to know how a generation of people who spent nothing more than working to death their whole lives to achieve the conventional comforts they have, a good start for us, their children and a late retirement, what does that imply that WE have in store for us? Another lifetime of working ourselves into insanity, exhaustion, and possible a triple heart bypass? I certainly hope not.

I am 20 years old. I was raised by people who had no idea who they were until maybe a few years ago, let along knew how to raise children the way their parents weren’t able. I have seen enough weird shit in my life to write a goddamn novel and then an ongoing publication. I see my peers, my generation fallen prey to self-doubt, insecurity, and despair. I see the most brilliant minds I know going to waste every day they aren’t being challenged.

I am not necessarily the most wholesome person on this earth, or moral either and unquestionably not normal, I am simply a product of my environment and the history therein. I understand what it is like to question the standard set for us all, and think that there has to be something better than this. I know what it is like to be helplessly ignorant of what there is in store for myself and my life. “What am I going to do with myself?” Has been a question I have asked myself a million times, and never been able to formulate an answer to quell the query.

Where the hell did all the set standard go, and why the hell are we ignoring its? Have we evolved enough to realize that there really is more to life than working ourselves to death at jobs we hate, or are we just too lazy to push ourselves to higher goals? Whichever the case may be, I look around me and see my bleak, wasted, and confusingly odd little life, and think; “So this is my fucking life.”

Fin

Well thank you all those actually read this thing, and if you get this far, please send us your criticism. Also tell me how the new section "My Fucking life" was. I hope to hear you responses and guesses to the quotes. Here is the typical end of issue dribble.

Person of the Issue: Adam Crook. He gains this prestigious award for writing and email about the magazine that made the Ham sandwich cry, or ooze mayonnaise, however a ham sandwich would show sorrow, pain, and a post orgasm face. Anyway I got a good laugh out of watching its pain and suffering.

Song of the Issue: I Liked It, Lords Of Acid. With lyrics like: I came home the other night, and imagine my surprise, I saw my boy friend in my cloths, my brand new panty hose. Chorus: I like it. Hey. Hey. Hey, I like it. He's kinda kinky in a way. What a great song about a girl and her transvestite boyfriend who hunts for guys.

Date: 12/10/2001 THE DAY OF RECONNING

Drink of the Issue: Sex on the Beach. A fruity yet refreshing alcoholic shooter.