Volume 1 #5
The Ham Sandwich, the email of Mags, Issue number K!$$^^Y@$$
Letter from the writer, editor, ham sandwich
Holy shit I didn't think it was possible for me to make this thing any longer but I guess I was wrong. Since this issue is soo long, I have decided to shorten the letter from the editor section for this week. So enjoy.
Letters to the writer editor Ham sandwich.
To Whom it May Arouse:
Uh... RETRACTION!!!! I didn't send this tripe (referring to the trip written last issue about sex and mayonnaise) blathering!!! Ariel (er, the Redhead from the Bar) wrote you this letter, biatch!!!! Also, the snow has a very low vomit content, thank you very much!!!
Steel cars, kill people, and earn points.
Yeah, most cars ARE made of "steel"... some are plastic though, I guess... WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT
CHECKING YOUR GODDAMN GRAMMAR AND SPELLING YOU FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT COCK MONGERING ANAL FIST FUCKER!!!!!???????!!!!!????!!!!????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Well then, please do better in the future....
The Excorsist II - Regan's Revenge! eheheh...
Galen Stevenson, Denver, Colorado
Galen Stevenson , Ok I RETRACT my response to the letter from the last issue…FOR YOU. However I did mean every word I said. Also I understand that for some un godly reason everyone that reads this has become an English major and love to make fun of my error. Let me just set one thing straight. I AM NOT TRYING TO WIN A PULITZER HERE! I DON"T CARE ABOUT SPELLING OR GRAMMER! Also if your going to speak to me about grammar and spelling then your short letter should be grammar and spelling error free. Unlike this subject. What I am trying to say is, I am writing this just well enough so that it can be read. I hope I am accomplishing that. If a part is too hard to read, then skip it to another more enjoyable section. You have a lot to choose from. Oh yeah and the quote answer is wrong. ~The Ham Sandwich
Letter to the editor:
Dear Editor, writer, Ham Sandwich, and Matt "Fuckin' a horse in tha' barn after midnight" Campbell, Despite your apparent lack of schooling post-dating the third grade, I find your rambling and depraved sexual dribble to be quite amusing. I do hope that you can bring yourself to accept the fact that I am and always will be better than you in every way... You are the shit on the bottom of my shoe that I picked up while hiking through the inner-city quagmires at 3:45 last A.M. You are the stench of my sweaty ball sack after a 17-hour sex/polka marathon at Ol' Henry's Bordello of Bodacious Babes. Too bad really... I think the best thing for the world would have been if, after you'd been born, someone just threw you in the coat closet at the nearest monastery and left you there until the
Monks tired of stretching out your sweet young ass and just threw you off the wall into the refuse dump to
Live eating mutated rats for all eternity..... Yeah, that would have been good....... mmmm... rats.....
Uh,... ahem.. hmmm.. well... Anyway.... uh... Never mind...
With Absolute (R) Sincerity,
EngleBurnt HumpYerMommaInTheSink
EngleBurnt, Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the magazine. Also there are 2 "p"'s in apparent, not one. "Ball sack" and "never mind" are spelled as 2 words, and this is how you spell "bordello" " monastery " and "bodacious". I corrected these errors for you.
~Matt The Editor
Well that is all for letters for now I guess. Many of you have been angry that you have yet to receive your prizes, but I assure you that you will eventually get them, just be patient. Also I give you all a hardy thanks to all for wishing me a happy birthday. I think many of you did but the whole weekend was a blur. Well enjoy this fascinatingly huge issue.
How to have sex, or " Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!"
To show that I am not a plagiarist, to my friends at least I could care less about what I did in high school, I found
this article at www.thespark.com. So I am giving credit where credit is due. (This Article has been modified. It has been formatted for content and to fit your email)
Proven Ways to Prevent Sex
by Christian Rudder, Scientist.
"Hear me, O coitus, thou art like this boggling simile!"--Shakespeare.
I'll be frank with you. For many men, the sex-act is a time of embarrassment, sorrow, and, eventually, devil-worship--because for them, the penis is a geyser of horror, gushing out its unseemly contents, like clockwork, every two minutes--while the surrounding woman is your proverbial national park: vast, empty, mysterious, and visited.
Luckily, I've discovered that sexual performance anxiety can be 100% cured by not having sex at all. Here are the techniques I've developed to keep sex--and spurting venereal shame--from ever happening again.
Think About Baseball
This time-tested technique for delaying the male orgasm can also be used to completely prevent it.
For instance, Dodger's manager Tommy Lasorda is a big-time sex preventor. Here, instead of making love, he and another man, Walter Alston, are deciding whether a third man, Jesse Orosco, should come in to pitch. In this scenario, no one is worried about pleasure.
Role-Play
While many couples use role-playing to add zest to their sex life, I use it to subtract existence from mine. I find that Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, in particular the Gelfling Raven Quest adventure, works best. I've got this sweet guy, Ragbar Cutpurse, who, beyond all doubt, is the most legendary thief in all the Realm of Raven Quest. Ragbar is a 5th-level acrobat, but because of his Ring of Incredible Combat, which he never removes, he fights as an 11th-level fighter. Ragbar's stronghold, on the outskirts of the Fire Plane, is garrisoned by 13 henchmen, each equipped with a two-handed sword and +1 Dwarven chain mail. Any intruder has a 20% chance of encountering 1-6 henchman for every 100' of travel inside its walls. If such a patrol is encountered, it is 35% likely that Tyranthraxus, Ragbar's man-at-arms, will be with them. Every door in the stronghold is sealed with Wizard Lock and has a 42% chance of springing a Fireball trap if opened by someone other than me. Ragbar's stronghold also has an Enchanted Aura which has the effect of a 4th level Confusion spell on all evil humanoids within 60'. When fighting inside the stronghold, Ragbar gets a +2 to hit/damage and my henchmen fight with +3 morale.
Flex Your Sex Muscles
There are certain muscles in the male body, which, if clenched at the appropriate moment, can instantly preclude sex. This is a fantastic technique for those times--say there has been a language barrier--when you find yourself on the brink of coitus.
The Logarithm Method (this proves to be Matthew Zenthofer's big problem with the ladies)
Mathematics is the science of avoiding intercourse with women. Since math provides the theoretical underpinnings for every technique described in this guide, as our final example, I'd like to give you a taste of what abstract, higher sex-prevention is all about.
The Galois Theorem
Suppose that SEX is not masturbation. Then lognSEX=0; where n is anything.
The consequences of the Galois Theorem are indeed remarkable! According to the theorem, sex with any number of women can be reduced to zero simply by calculating logarithms in their presence. Ergo, the perfectly sex-free existence that men like me have dreamed about is, in fact, theoretically possible.
Troubleshooting
Problem: I'm having troubleshooting.
Solution: Exactly.
Sorry women I know I have been neglecting you, WELL NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS. HAHAHAHA! How to get a guy to open up...Metaphorically you sick weirdoes. The Section for the ladies about how to bring out the sensitive side in your man, or "But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?", "Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all."
Girls buy now most of you have a boyfriend and routinely fuck him, either figuratively or literally. Either way I despise you all cause I ain't getting any. If, however, you are literally fucking him then you are going to have a much harder time opening up his emotional side. You may think that getting a man to open up after sex is the way to go but after sex all the man wants to do is sleep. A wise man once said once he had sex, "It is OK for me to die now." He was a great man and went on to do great things and you will find that deep down in every man the same applies to them. Once we procreate our mission on earth is basically over. The rest is just leisure time. So why should I deny him sex? You ask. Well I already answered this once but again, because you are already giving him what he wants from you. He doesn't have to do any more. Because of you he now has confidence and joy. The things most of us single guys lack. You see before a guy gets laid he will do anything to make the girl comfortable so she gives it up. This may be buying flowers, dressing nice, showering, brushing our teeth. Things we wouldn't normally do. This is the time to trap you male and make him tell you the inner secrets he never wants anyone to know. Here's a simple strategy:
You: Honey isn't it sad when Leonardo Decaprio dies in titanic?
Your boyfriend: I don't give a fuck.
You: You not getting laid then.
You boyfriend: (Now sobbing like a baby) WHY GOD!?! WHY!?!
With this strategy you may get into your boyfriends soul, while he tries desperately to get into your panties. Be careful though, a man can only be pushed to far. For example:
You: Honey isn't Leo cute?
Boyfriend: No.
You: You not getting laid tonight.
Boyfriend: Fine then next week I won't take you out I'll save $50 bucks and get a fucking hooker. BITCH!
Of course it is much easier for you to replace your mate then it is for him, for most women with no visible defects finding a man is easy. Of course men, on the other hand have to scour and beg. But this is a whole other article. So my simple equation for all you ladies is this: (You + your boy friend) – sex = boyfriend crying. Use it as you may.
This is our newest writer to the Ham Sandwich. He called himself SpunkMan, for some ungodly reason, and he is courteous enough to post his entire article else where as to not take up room on this email ezine, but hinder the internet with yet another article about anal sex. No seriously that's what it is about. Go and check out the sight if you don't believe me.
The Neverending Godstopper - by SpunkMAN!
Hey kiddies! I thought that the article I'd write for the Ham Sandwich would be too long for you all to put up with, (even though it's awesome!) so I just decided to put it on the web so you can look at it whenever you want. Please e-mail me your comments on it. My address is just above! The address for the site is: http://www.geocities.com/spunkman_2024/
ENJOY, and please read... it's interesting! And better yet, try it out!!! You won't be sorry, I promise! eheheh... If, in the event you try it and it ruins your life forever, please e-mail all complaints to Matt Campbell and the Ham Sandwich at killerbeast59@hotmail.com Thank you!
MY quote of the week:
"Did you see his fuckin' head come apart man? Whoa! I ain't never seen brains like that before!" Name the movie and who said it and you'll win an autographed picture of me, SpunkMAN! Please send all answers to me at spunkman_2024@yahoo.com with "Weekly Quote" as the subject. I'll e-mail you if you get the right answer.......... That's it for me here! Enjoy the ridiculous remarks of the not so insane, and VERY horny HAM SANDWICH!!!
Signing off,
SpunkMAN - "jizz in a bottle three times a day and call me when it's full"
This is your fucking life: sick and cynical excerpts by Penelope Steel-Street
“Why it’s a bad idea……”
(There are a lot of bad ideas out there, here are just a few, and why they’re bad.
Why, you ask? Because criticism is fun.)
Sex in the top bunk: Let’s face it, bunk beds were made for children, and always will be. There’s no way you’ll be able to put her legs up around you ears while trying to simultaneously lapping the champagne out of her belly button, now will you able to gracefully execute the wrapping of the salami. The whole thing will end up an embarrassing mess, especially after the weight of the two of you snaps a beam underneath you, and you fall to the other bunk, horrifying whoever’s there, or spending the rest of the night fucking while progressively slipping into a crevice, therefore having to withdraw, and re-adjust. I guarantee this will suck.
Eating at any “western” themed restaurants: First off, let’s look at this abstractly; would you like to chance your future in-laws spying you in a cheesy, run-down, beat-down, po-dunk place like that? Chances are that’s a ‘no’. Most places like this have a host/hostess that was at one point, some form of a sex symbol IN THE LATE SIXTIES. Now they are just wrinkle, and saggy shell of their former beauty covered up in layers of make-up or a series of facelifts, with a cigarette butt hanging out of their mouth, gravelly voice wheezing out greetings and farewells, accompanied by rows of yellowed teeth in their smile. EEEEW. Then the food; Road kill at best, maybe if you’re lucky the might have put it in the freezer after they bought it in the outdoor market in the local Chinatown. Salmonella city!! The vegetables are so old, I’ll be Trotsky cut the shit up, and most likely they’ll be served with a dollop of warmed mayonnaise as the side, for a dollar extra. The amount of health codes violated in the establishment that are violated with no regard for the safety of the public, if they were counted up, the statistics would be alarming.
Not obeying the authority of the flight attendant: The people that we see holding up the little belt to show you how it connects, and smile as they demonstrate how to manually inflate you flotation device are not tamed creatures. They are to be considered extremely hostile and always cranky: DO not fuck with the flight attendants. Example: Man in plane (True story) has cell phone wire in his ear, during pre-flight announcements, announcing attendant notes man has the cord in his ear, after the announcements she approaches him and politely asks him to remove it for the duration of the flight (Denver to Cleveland, 2.1/2 hours, no big deal, right?). The man snaps at her saying that the phone isn’t even on. Another attendant who didn’t know the first approached him earlier comes over to the same man and asks him to remove his earpiece, he snaps at her as well being very rude, and making these ladies’ jobs just that more difficult. The plane pulls away from the gate, and soon after, the man receives a call, and starts chatting away. Seated in front of him is an out of uniform airplane captain who turns around and asks him to turn off the cell phone while the plane is in flight. The man gives him the bird and alls him a few ugly names, the senior attendant sees this, has the pilot turn the plane around from the runway and re-docks at the gate, where the FBI board the plane and approach the man. Surprised he rips it from his ear and thrusts it an agents hands saying,” Here, take it! Take it!” The FBI agent tells him, “Sorry sir, you were asked three times by these nice people working on the plane.” And takes him into federal custody. As he is being taken off the plane, the remaining people aboard applaud. Like I said, man. Don’t fuck with these people, it really isn’t worth it.
Well that is this week's issue. I hope you all survived and at least tried and read the whole thing. Well I am tired and can't think of anything else to write so…Bye