Volume 1 #8

The Ham Sandwich, The Email of Mags. The Guest Sandwich Issue

We've Taken your regular sandwich and replaced it with another…lets see if you notice the difference.

Letter the Guest Sandwich

Well folks, this week there's some good news and some bad news...ok, well mostly good news, the ham sandwich is out for the week! It seems he has been called away on some business. Hormel, the premiere ham packaging company in America is starting up an awareness campaign called "Hams Across America." They will be visiting many high schools to teach the kids about ham, and our very own ham sandwich will be giving a series of lectures on cold cuts. He'll be talking about how cold cuts are not raw...just cold. Many of you are probably wondering why such a lecture is needed, and why of all the hams in the world would this one be picked to give a lecture, seeing as how he can't spell anything but a few choice words such as: penis, sex, boobs, vagina (on a good day), sex, ham, and sex. To tell you the truth I don't have the answers as to why he was picked, maybe the guys at Hormel thought he'd be able to get through to the younger generation better than any other part of the pig. I suppose at this point I should introduce myself, I'm the salami sandwich, and I'll be taking you through this week’s addition of whatever the hell he calls this thing...

I don't know how many of you are still reading, usually by now my brain is trying to rearrange words so that they make sense and I black out, but if you could please bear with me and we'll get through this thing.

oh, one more thing, I've got a quote for you guys to guess, it's not from a horror movie or a death metal band either so some of you might be able to guess it... ok...probably not, but give it a shot anyway.

"Get out of the way!! Sunday drivers...it's only Saturday."

~ The Salami Sandwich

The Salami with Mustard article, or Fill in Funny Phrase Here

Last week I was supposed to write about what I consider the best video game ever, but I don't need a whole article to talk about that, just one phrase: Toe Jam and Earl on the Sega Genesis system. there, I'm done, no problem. With that not taking up much space I had to think of something else to write about, and while I know this isn't really a forum to write about things that are serious, I thought I'd take a moment to express something that I think we all can understand on some visceral level.

We've all heard the cliché "live life without regret". Well, I'll fire back another cliché to respond to that "easier said than done". I would take it as far as to say that it's damn near impossible, unless you don't have feelings. Hang in there with me for just a minute folks and I'll explain myself. Unless you can keep your brain occupied at all times, at some point it will start to think. It will think about what you did today, what you'll do in the future, or what you've done in the past. For most of us this happens when our head hits the pillow and we close our eyes to sleep. I dread this time, there's no pretty colors or shiny objects to distract me, none of my senses are being stimulated and for a short time it's just me and my brain.

We are all forced to choose, and discriminate everyday, sometimes it's a big deal and sometimes it's not, but if you ever think about what might have been, you may be feeling some regret. Maybe it isn't even something you can control, which actually makes it worse, but the thoughts of what could have happened are there. Sure you can make a list of things that you want to do before you die; jump out of a plane, go big game hunting, have sex in a burger king bathroom, or whatever else you feel you need to accomplish so you aren't kicking yourself on your death bed. But the fact remains, that list doesn't cover the choices you've made in your life. The best we can do is look back and say we did what we thought was best at the time...but there's always going to be that tiny voice asking "what if?"

This is Your Fucking Life. Twisted Excerpts by Penelopy Steelstreet.

I was in a little café/coffee shop a while back, and I noticed on the register an advertisement from the fifties with a picture of a girl; very attractive, nice smile, nice face and hair and what have you. She was in a bateau necked sweater and slacks. She looked very beautiful. The advertisement said: “Too thin? Always tired of looking for those clothes in you size? Well now there’s ….” Blah blah blah. Anyways, the ad was selling yeast supplements for women who were too thin to gain weight.

Did you know that models today are the thinnest girls there are in the world? They are on average 45% less heavy than women of today. Women fifty years ago were only 3% heavier than the average population. The average dress size for women in 2001 was 12-14. Studies showed that women given an Elle magazine to read were depressed and insecure about their bodies about ten minutes after reading one. And can you blame them? I read magazines fairly often; I see them in groceries all the time while I’m waiting to check out. Normally it’s some unknown blond wearing a bikini or mid-riff exposing shirt with pants that almost assuredly would rip straight down the seam if she bent over too quickly.

I am the kind of girl who digs chicks; I like my girls to look nice, beautiful smile and hair, nice skin and face and all that good stuff. But what I like the most are curves. Curves like Lombardi Street. Did you know that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14? Not hard to believe; the woman defined the word beauty. And I myself am not partial to blondes but I definitely make the exception with her. I think that this world needs to take a look around at what message they are giving their future generations, example: 40% of the population of Thai women living in Thailand have eating disorders that are raging out of control. Thousands of women in Thailand die each year because of malnutrition due to their eating disorder, thousands more are hospitalized, only to be released when they are healthy and have them do it to themselves again.

You men don’t help either with your seemingly unbreakable habits of gawking at girls you see on the street or in the mall that couldn’t possibly weight more than a 10 year old child (often we’ll be with you and see you doing this. We most of the time don’t say anything because we think to ourselves what you would think of us if we looked like that).

When I was little, I grew up looking at my Barbie dolls and all the flawlessly perfect models and beautiful women occupying the media scene, and I thought that one-day, when I grew up, I would be like that. Faultless body, perfect teeth, thick, shiny hair, pore less skin, boy was I pissed when I finally realized that that was never going to happen unless I have enough money to afford it.

My point isn’t to cut down guys here just because they happen to glance at a girl who walks near them, it’s a natural thing, I know. You just have this biological thing called testosterone and it makes you desire to carry yourself on and on. It’s a genetic imperative, and that’s okay. I’m not writing about how little tiny girls out to be fed to lions in zoos because they’re other wise pretty useless, shit, there’s practically nothing to even grab onto when you’re fucking them anyways…. Err… I mean, yeah. My point is that I wish men would appreciate women who aren’t a size 4 a little more than they do. I mean it guys. Give a compliment to your girlfriend the next time you see her, let her know you think she’s dead sexy, help her boost her self esteem for no reason, it will heighten her self confidence. I think that if you gave her a little compliment every now and then out of nowhere so she knew that you weren’t saying it for any reason, just because you thought of it, you might just get the favor returned in some small way. And believe me, when girls feel confidant about themselves, they can do some pretty good thing in return. ;)

~ Penelopy Steelstreet

Closing, or I Bid thee farewell cold cruel world

Next week your regular host will be back behind the helm steering the ship straight into an iceberg made of grammatical errors so enjoy this while you can. It's been a pleasure being a part of this online wonder that brings joy to...oh...about 3 people, all of whom are actually Matt. Ok I’m just kidding, I too get a kick out of some of this stuff, but mainly it's just for Matt. This is the salami sandwich saying whatever you do; don't do whatever it is you wouldn't do unless you want to do it to say that you did it to prove to all those people who said you couldn't do it wrong.

~The Salami Sandwich