Volume 3 #1
The Most Spectacular Return of the Ham Sandwich Yet.
September 2, 2003
Once in a land far away and a long time ago there were a series of poorly written, poorly spelled, e-mags distributed to the masses. These writings were said to be written by the profit known only as Ham. Many of these writings were lost in the great disaster of the indescribable. Fortunately the ham was not lost and he continued to write. These are his stories.
Letter From the Writer, Editor, Ham Sandwich
Welcome to the 3rd season of the ham sandwich. I hope you all enjoyed the first two seasons, and dear god the second season had to be the best by far. I mean one hundred and seven issues. Dear god I was on a roll. People were inspired. War and tyranny ended, the recession beat and everyone got their fair share of the pie and the world was changed into one peaceful nation. However if people did not receive all those issues then there is still war and tyranny, the recession is there, the government still sucks, and my cat still sheds and makes poo in her litter box that smell like a mixture of taco bell and still more shit. So enjoy the 3rd and hopefully long and well-written season.
By the writer, editor, Ham Sandwich
Trying to Meet Chicks or the Trillionth Article I Have Written About Women
The following scenario is a test I did to meet women. The idea was to try to understand them one iota better then I already do and also to try to get laid or at least get a date out of it or at the very least have a conversation so at least then I can tell my therapist that I tried talking to people and now give me drugs.
Scenario one:
Location: Bar
Many people of older generations are here drinking and some actually look like their having a good time, others seem to be just plain depressed, but what do you expect if your getting drunk at 1 in the after noon. Anyway, I spot the youngest women in the bar that is not talking to anyone and I start to approach. (Note: at this point I have drunken, 3 beer and taken 2 shots of vodka, so I am buzzing significantly and therefore able to approach people without being physically thrown at them) So I approach her and sit next to her. She says hi and I stare into space for a moment as I try to sound…sober.
“Why won’t you have sex with me?” I blurt out crazily.
“Who said I won’t have sex with you?”
Score one for me.
By the luckywich
A Trip to the Library or Where All the Smart Bitches Be At?
It is my assumption these days that more people are going to the library. The news media would make you believe this is a good thing but they leave one vital detail out. NO ONE IS GOING TO LIBRARY FOR BOOKS.
I headed down to the old Denver library to get some research on some ridiculous bullshit I had to look up for school and found most of the computers packed. Suddenly I find a row of computers devoted to looking up subjects and nothing else. An electronic dewy decimal catalog if you will. Suddenly I realize why all the other computers are packed. They all have Internet access. I pass by a fairly suspicious library dweller that seems very nervous and constantly looks around at everyone to see if they’re looking at him. He spots me and I continue to stare at him with suspicion. We stare at each other for a good 8 seconds before he turns around and goes back to looking at the monitor.
“That’s right bitch. You back down.” I say to him as I walk by. Just then this attractive woman walks up to me and notices my incredibly large testicles and announces her undying love for me. (Note: this sentence and the event following never actually happened except in Matt's head.) Later as I pass by the freak monitor I notice why he’s so nervous. His computer is covered in porno. Sheesh, what a wonderful use of the public library.
Moving on, I look for various books in different sections, one of which is near a “video” section in the library. This section has always been there, but until recently it only had documentary and educational videos. Now it’s fucking blockbuster. And therefore packed.
I continue through the library and find myself completely alone in the aisles that have books of all things. Can you believe it? Books in a library? Dear god does anybody read anymore?
Anyway I am looking for a copy of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales and I happen to find a whole slew of them. There’s the gigantic reiteration of the original, obviously stolen from Indiana Jones by the Germans and then by the Americans and finally stolen by the Coloradoan who tried to hide it in the library. There is the 12 volume set of everything that is Chaucer. Then there are about a hundred more, all of different shapes and sizes. I am amazed that all these tell the same tale. Anyway I decide to settle on the pocket reference manual and I walk away. Sheesh, this experience almost reminds me of the time I tried to check out the Ten Commandments. No not the movie, the actual commandments. The ones written on stone tablets by God. I try to recheck these out again but the library won’t let me.
“You scribbled in the margins last time.”
“I was just making suggestions.”
“Well you can’t check out these commandments.” Then hand me a copy of Milton burrows book, my large penis and death. Damn fascist. I least having spent an entire day among the perverts in the library.
By the well readwich
In Conclusion:
I know there are people, who read this whole thing and hold on to every word, and maybe I am just kidding myself, most people skim this and never look at it again. As I write and over the period where I wrote but didn’t send a single thing. During a period when I wrote exclusively for me. I heard people talk about the ham sandwich and spoke of meaning. I know I wrote it to vent some hilarity and release possible some insanity, but I knew for myself it felt needed. I never knew that it would affect anyone else. Yet I heard things I never though I would hear about something that seemed so trivial. People spoke of the e-mag of mags meaning something to them. How it was a chaotic humor that spoke to them and gave them a release from reality. Allowed them to laugh during a time when things weren’t making sense and ironically the nonsense seemed to help. Anyway I do have a point to all this babble. I am going to try to continue to write the ham more regularity, but I would like to expand my readership. I know the contents of this mag rarely make sense and even more rarely are they spelled correctly, but you never know when someone’s nonsense can be someone’s release. Thank you for reading,
Matthew Campbell
Next issue the reincarnation of the ham and the return I have planned for November